lyrics that make my mind wander

Said you’re glad you found me but only as a friend

i love to get high and i’m allowed to get low/// you’re high and low

i dont think i can

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poor, unfortunate soul

“you don’t know you’re a poor unfortunate soul. oh i know you make it seem that you feel whole, they don’t know you’re a poor unfortunate soul.”

It’s hard to see you so lost.  At what point do you find it necessary to gain the courage to confront your friends about their destructive habits.  It’s never been an easy thing to do.  It’s scary to see that I didn’t clearly see what I see now, and how different things are now compared to one year ago.  People change. I was crazy about my friends, the adventures we went on, the endless nights, the music and drinks that introduced me to another world.  With self control, things never felt out of hand to me.  It was never a personal issue.  I wanted to be apart of their craziness, time spent with them made me feel alive in a way I hadn’t experienced before.  I felt I could keep up with all of this, in a healthy, crazy youthful kind of way. But now it feels uncomfortble, crazy. in a scary way.  Things have gone to another level, and the consequences I see my friends dealing with makes me nervous and concerned.  I don’t want to lose my friends, but I want to withdraw from this craziness, from those activities that they have all become too comfortable with.  It feels unsafe to me, and I worry more than they know.  I don’t want my worry to seem like judgement.  I’ve been there, and experienced some of these things with them. It’s definitely not jdugement.  just concern at this point.  It would be one of the hardest things to see my friends crash and burn.  I know I need to distance myself to keep myself out of trouble, but I still want to support them.  this is so incredibly hard.

I wanted to be closer to you.  experience the things you felt.  be more apart of your world.  but didn’t realize how badly it was hurting me all along.

christmas wish list

since its almost christmas and I still haven’t told my parents anything that I want I decided to make a list..

yumiko leo. bought this for myself though
eleve leo
pointe shoes
naked pallete 2 & 3
sorrel boots
black jeans
spring break money (airplane ticket)
lululemon pants
new hoop for cartilidge
polaroid cam.

KCMO semester 1

This semester was incredible. I’ve learned so much about who I am, who I used to be, and who I want to be. I consider KC to be my home, and I’m really sad to leave for a month. After everything that has happened in Rochester, its hard to call that home. But KC..This city inspires me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. It inspires me to discover myself, to follow my dreams, to find love, but most importantly it inspires me to live a crazy and adventurous life. College is nice. I don’t have to think twice about things I know mom would disapprove of. I’ve really enjoyed my independence here. Although I had a lot of adult responsibilites at home, and was always very independent, I still chose to rebel. I think of it as being carefully reckless. I’m throurougly enjoying the remains of my youth. I’ve made one truly amazing friend here, there are others but I honestly can say that victoria is my better half. my partner in crime. We have way too much fun when we are together!!! and i love it. 🙂 she has taught me about being true to myself, and not putting up with people’s shit. She has helped me get over things from my past, and helped me move forward in ways she doesn’t even know. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to completely show someone my real self, but with victoria I can without judgment. she’s awesome. We are absolutely crazy together, but life is so much better when you are crazy and weird!!! I can go from happy to utterly sad, and she still gets me. Sober or wasted, we always have the best time. She is one friend I would like to carry with me through the rest of my life. It’s so crazy how you meet some people and you can’t imagine your life without them in it. With that said, the dancing here has been amazing too. Dance has taught me so much over the years, but never had I felt comfortable putting myself out there as an individual dancer, always seeking the approval of others. I’m starting to become the dancer I always wanted to be. to be continued.

thanksgiving break foods!!!!

I’m so excited to go home and eat good food!!! So excited that I’m going to start a list of foods I need to ask my mom to make me, or places I need to go!

1. spaghetti
2. mom’s famous mac and cheese with hotdogs!!! 🙂 yum.
3. CHIPOTLE.
4. Tater tots for breakfast
5. hungarian palachintas (dad makes them best)
6. fruit soup! YES.
7. Dooleys Pub for old times sake.
8. SALMON. lots of salmon. and wild rice. and vegetables.
9. some good pizza
10. half off apps with friends 😀
11. mashed potatoes
12. rakot crumprie (fav hungarian meal)
13. caribou coffee.. since there isn’t any in KC!!
14. chinese food

YAY!! I can’t wait to go home and finally eat some quality food!

lately

lately things from the past keep appearing in my thoughts. Although almost two years ago, I feel like my mind constantly drifts back to my homeless days. The days I have tried so hard to push into the deepest realms of my mind. It’s not something that can be easily forgotten, but at times I’ve done a fairly good job of blocking it out, and pretending like it never happened. But, it’s also hard to ever imagine my life before that…incident. Although the incident cleared up many of my before unanswered questions, and led what I would like to think; is a better life, I still feel like all of the scenerios before and after becoming homeless have become an intricate webbed mess. Symbolically, I feel like I’m not necessarily in this web, but more so like I’m standing and starring at this massive, tangled web of a spider. Both in awe, and disgust. Mostly in disgust. Being away at college puts me into a compelling position. I’m far away enough that I don’t really have to deal with anything I don’t want to deal with. However, distance has made me feel guilty. As if I choose to be this far away to not have to be apart of any of the problems at home. and maybe I did. maybe I did run away, because it was too much, and I was convinced the happenings in my life were a tragedy I could not escape from unless I left. Lately, the small details of the past have really been nagging at me. It bothers me, still, that senior year my date could not pick me up from my house..because I didn’t have a home. Oh, would you please pick me up at the hotel I’ve been living at? because I’m homeless. Other things that bother me, living out of a suitcase for nearly three months. Blowing up air mattress for our beds. Living a lie. Going to school was hard, because even though I knew it was okay for me to not share with the world that I was homeless, I still felt like I was living a lie. People would ask, “How are you,” and I’d think to myself, “I’m homeless.” That’s what I am, that’s how I am. I familiarized myself with the word homeless. I let that become my identity, and I know that it is this that ultimately led to my worst depression by far. I believed that because I was homeless, I was worthless. Even though I had plenty of people telling me that wasn’t true. I know that there was an awful lot of pressure on my parents to fix things, looking back I feel selfish for getting so frustrated with school, dance, work and friends, when my parents clearly had bigger problems. These days, I’ve been reminded of the thousands of dollars worth of stuff that was in storage that just got thrown out. Up till this point, we still had that taunting storage; locking up all of our stuff, to remind us of our old lives. Although with the passing of two years, most of that stuff is truely garbage, but it still makes me mad and really sad at the same time. Several of my childhood pictures got thrown out, my bike got stolen, a lot of my clothes and decorations all got thrown out. It’s not the actual thought of those things getting thrown out, but it reminds me of how things had to end. Why we had to pack up our entire house into boxes in the span of a week. It was all such a cruel and depressing moment of my life. and its so hard to let it all go. Regardless, I feel safe thinking and feeling all these things from a far distance. I’m scared to go home. Thanksgiving break is in 18 days. and lately, I’ve been getting more and more scared to go home.

just some more feelings

Just for the record.  I am very very sad.  Incase anyone out there cares.  I have been really unhappy.  Mostly because I am holding onto things that need to be let go of. People, feelings, dreams, burdens.  Why do I hold on? For silly, selfish, hopeless, sinful reasons.  Reasons that I’m coming more and more to terms with.  Yet I fail to follow what I feel in my heart.  I fail.  And this makes me upset.  It’s me being oblivious and talking myself into things that will only break my soul in the end.  Like skinny love.  Being alone is better.   I am unhappy, because I am a terrible terrbile person all around.  And I think this is obvious to everyone else, and not just me.  I want desperately to change the person I am.  But I fail.  It has proven to be a difficult task.  But just for the record, I choose to go on.  Despite the anger I feel towards myself, and the confusion, depression and isolation.  I continue.  And that counts for something.  It has to.

Like Waves

Sometimes I forget what depression feels like.  And then I remember its like falling to your knees crying at the end of the day, its like nothing makes sense at all.  It hits me like waves.  I think I’m safe and on the shore, and then all of a sudden I’m knocked under the water, suffocating and drowning and too late to call for help.  I imagine how nice it would be to float in the middle of that perfect ocean, free and alone but I forget the darkness and danger,  too trusting that nothing can hurt me. I am hurting so badly. Sometimes I forget what depression feels like, I remember now its like wanting to be so so far away from everything and everyone but at the same time wanting to be near and safe in the presence of anything. It’s like shaking at the edges of your bed at bedtime.  It’s saying your okay as tears fill your eyes.  It’s failing to remember all the times that made you happy.  Its like everybody thinks you are crazy.  And everybody that is supposed to understand, doesn’t.  It’s like your mind and soul are mad at each other.  Everything is somehow wrong.   Like you don’t know anything at all.  And you hold all that pain in the pit of your chest.  But it comes in waves.  It takes me under, and leaves me in the darkness. I don’t trust the waves.  They scare me.

100 mph

I pulled out of your driveway angry and sad and independent and sorry.  Mostly I wanted to cry, but with little reason.  Despite your efforts, I shut down.  I was unreachable.  I was driving down a lonely road, slow tears at first but soon the kind that seems to take over and you can’t stop. and the numbers kept getting higher and higher.  65, 70, 75.  I suddenly had this insane urge to drive exactly 100 mph.  I’ve never driven that fast and I felt like I had to do it exactly in this moment.  Maybe for symbolic importance, but nonetheless it was inescapable. I hit 80 miles per hour my heart was beating faster. 90 miles per hour I felt like I was going really fast.  99 miles per hour I was flying.  100 my mind was racing too, tingling even, but not a worry.  Just for a split second and then I watched the numbers slow.  I’d like to drive that fast again, but I wouldn’t want someone else to drive me with that speed.  It was actually amazing. I was scared but not because I wasn’t in control. I was going so fast and I knew at any moment something terrible could happen.  After sitting on that damn couch not moving, not talking, shutting down, ignoring, disappointment boiling inside of me, all I knew was I wanted to get far away and fast.  I blasted I Want Crazy at maximum volume. I want crazy, not just in love but in life. I felt a brief and slight moment of possible insanity, but I felt alive even though I was sad and confused.   I know I left you angry and upset. No kiss no hug no explanation.  I’m sorry.  It just felt so wrong, I felt so wrong. Because you think we are something that we’re not.  I’m not like you and I never will be.  There’s a lot of things that I shouldn’t necesarily be upset about.  But I am upset because I choose to accept the things that I know are not right and that do not make me happy. I let this happen.  It’s my own fault that I am trying to find happiness in places where it does not exist.  you didn’t stop to ask babe what’s wrong, you expected everything to be just fine.   Yes I was the one to walk away, but you let me.  And that explains a lot.  I wonder what will happen next.  I want to see what you are going to do.  I might ignore you for days, even though you didn’t do anything.  I’ve never had anyone fight for me.  I wonder if you’d do that for me.

highest highs & the lowest lows

A few days ago I felt like I was enclosed in a world of darkness.  I sat in my bath in the dark, shaking and crying while the world around me was closing in, so it seemed.  I dipped part of my head under the water, and there was the silence I had been seeking all day, but my mind was not silent and every thought magnified. I was overcome by sadness and despair I’ve only felt a handful of times.  I don’t know how long I sat in that tub, but when I got out I felt heavy, and still very sad.  I stood at the doorway to my bedroom for awhile, again in the darkness.  Everything gets so much worse at night, and I wonder why.  Lately, nothing horrible has happened, its been the way I’ve percieved things.  Sometimes I feel like people simply feel the weight of the world, when we really think about things we see how so many people live their lives in complete despair, and in return we feel the same.  I’ve been really sad about my family as well.  I truly feel like I do not belong at times.  Sometimes everything is fine at home, but most of the time it is complete caous.  There’s a lot of yelling and swearing, throwing of things, anger and sadness.  Honestly, that is the majority of the time.  There is a lot of blaming and finger pointing too.  Most of the time I don’t want to be at home, but then I feel guilty about not being at home.  It’s endless. If I try to escape the way I feel, I feel like a failure and a quitter. I guess lately I felt really really lost.  I don’t know what to latch onto for support, and obviously I know right from wrong, but I still find myself choosing the wrong path solely because it feels better.  It’s frustrating, and although I can thrive on certain things for a while.. nothing lasts for long and I find myself just as lost and empty as before.  To say the least, I am in a much better place than I was last week.  I’m still struggling with those things though, in a healthier way. Kinda.  I think its a seasonal thing too; the worse the weather gets, the worse I feel.. my soul needs spring.  I am so beyond ready for feeling the sunshine on my face, the warmth soaking through every pore, filling all the empty spots and making things better.  I am always happier when spring comes around, and I’m really looking forward to it.. although this winter is not ready to give up yet.  Lately, I have felt so consumed in the thoughts and words of others. It seems like everybody has something to say about how I’m living my life.  As much as I need that guidance and companionship, I feel like all anybody has to offer me are critical things about; who I should not be spending time with, things I should not be doing, and how I am doing everything wrong and don’t deserve anything.  One friend literally said, I don’t deserve to be in a relationship and to be loved because I have dad problems and he walked out on me.  Since when did people have the right to tell me that I don’t deserve to express or recieve love.  It makes me mad.  I do deserve to feel loved, and yes maybe I seek it in the wrong ways because I lack a father and male role model. But still I want to love something.  It would be nice to be loved too.  But I’m not asking for that.   I do have a guy in my life at the moment, so I have all these things running through my mind.

But. I still…

feel perpetually alone.  My best friend won’t talk to me.  I haven’t been able to communicate with my dad in weeks.  Several other friendships are shaky.  Things at home don’t feel right.  I may be alone, but that’s the only thing that feels right.  Making any gesture or effort to fix those things seems so far out of reach, so I’m sitting here waiting for something.  Sometimes I’ll just sit for minutes on end without doing anything, without even moving, or thinking.  I just stare, and sit, and exist.  Sometimes I wonder, how can I still feel alone when I am almost in a semi-relationship with someone.  That’s not right, but it does feel right.  It’s a different kind of alone.  A very personal kind of alone. It’s not that I feel alone when I’m with him, infact its quite nice.  The best way I can describe it is that, I feel personally so disconnected from what I have expected myself to feel at this point in my life, that I cling to feelings that are utterly foreign to me, and this makes me feel alive.  I realized that different loves can be achieved, and you can definitely love without falling in love.  I figured out recently that, I NEED, to love something or someone.  and I do-dance, my jobs,  my family, friends, people.  I am just not in love with those somethings or someones.  and that’s my problem.  There is nothing unconditional with me, there is only now, maybe, sort of, kind of, and spontaneous.  Somewhere along the road I let go of unconditional.  I think it had to do with when I realized my dad didn’t unconditionally love my mom.  and somewhere along the road he decided to love, not fall in love with other people and things.  I think he decided to not unconditionally love me, Beni and my mom.  And that unconditional thing I believed in.. became short lived, and non-existent.  Maybe I’ll love you on Mondays, and Thursday mornings.  But I definitely don’t love you during the weekends, or on Thanksgiving, or New Years, or most of the time.  So somewhere along the way, I accepted that love.  But I think its made me this closed off person in several ways.  And, I’m really struggling. Whether I blame my dad or other factors, I am still struggling.  But I’m also trying to make sense of everything thats going on, and it requires a lot of alone time, and thinking, and uncomfortable confrontation with my past, present and future.  It requires a lot of deep and painful digging, and I am truly working on myself in hopes of finding a happier, mentally and spirtitually healthier person.