A few days ago I felt like I was enclosed in a world of darkness. I sat in my bath in the dark, shaking and crying while the world around me was closing in, so it seemed. I dipped part of my head under the water, and there was the silence I had been seeking all day, but my mind was not silent and every thought magnified. I was overcome by sadness and despair I’ve only felt a handful of times. I don’t know how long I sat in that tub, but when I got out I felt heavy, and still very sad. I stood at the doorway to my bedroom for awhile, again in the darkness. Everything gets so much worse at night, and I wonder why. Lately, nothing horrible has happened, its been the way I’ve percieved things. Sometimes I feel like people simply feel the weight of the world, when we really think about things we see how so many people live their lives in complete despair, and in return we feel the same. I’ve been really sad about my family as well. I truly feel like I do not belong at times. Sometimes everything is fine at home, but most of the time it is complete caous. There’s a lot of yelling and swearing, throwing of things, anger and sadness. Honestly, that is the majority of the time. There is a lot of blaming and finger pointing too. Most of the time I don’t want to be at home, but then I feel guilty about not being at home. It’s endless. If I try to escape the way I feel, I feel like a failure and a quitter. I guess lately I felt really really lost. I don’t know what to latch onto for support, and obviously I know right from wrong, but I still find myself choosing the wrong path solely because it feels better. It’s frustrating, and although I can thrive on certain things for a while.. nothing lasts for long and I find myself just as lost and empty as before. To say the least, I am in a much better place than I was last week. I’m still struggling with those things though, in a healthier way. Kinda. I think its a seasonal thing too; the worse the weather gets, the worse I feel.. my soul needs spring. I am so beyond ready for feeling the sunshine on my face, the warmth soaking through every pore, filling all the empty spots and making things better. I am always happier when spring comes around, and I’m really looking forward to it.. although this winter is not ready to give up yet. Lately, I have felt so consumed in the thoughts and words of others. It seems like everybody has something to say about how I’m living my life. As much as I need that guidance and companionship, I feel like all anybody has to offer me are critical things about; who I should not be spending time with, things I should not be doing, and how I am doing everything wrong and don’t deserve anything. One friend literally said, I don’t deserve to be in a relationship and to be loved because I have dad problems and he walked out on me. Since when did people have the right to tell me that I don’t deserve to express or recieve love. It makes me mad. I do deserve to feel loved, and yes maybe I seek it in the wrong ways because I lack a father and male role model. But still I want to love something. It would be nice to be loved too. But I’m not asking for that. I do have a guy in my life at the moment, so I have all these things running through my mind.
But. I still…
feel perpetually alone. My best friend won’t talk to me. I haven’t been able to communicate with my dad in weeks. Several other friendships are shaky. Things at home don’t feel right. I may be alone, but that’s the only thing that feels right. Making any gesture or effort to fix those things seems so far out of reach, so I’m sitting here waiting for something. Sometimes I’ll just sit for minutes on end without doing anything, without even moving, or thinking. I just stare, and sit, and exist. Sometimes I wonder, how can I still feel alone when I am almost in a semi-relationship with someone. That’s not right, but it does feel right. It’s a different kind of alone. A very personal kind of alone. It’s not that I feel alone when I’m with him, infact its quite nice. The best way I can describe it is that, I feel personally so disconnected from what I have expected myself to feel at this point in my life, that I cling to feelings that are utterly foreign to me, and this makes me feel alive. I realized that different loves can be achieved, and you can definitely love without falling in love. I figured out recently that, I NEED, to love something or someone. and I do-dance, my jobs, my family, friends, people. I am just not in love with those somethings or someones. and that’s my problem. There is nothing unconditional with me, there is only now, maybe, sort of, kind of, and spontaneous. Somewhere along the road I let go of unconditional. I think it had to do with when I realized my dad didn’t unconditionally love my mom. and somewhere along the road he decided to love, not fall in love with other people and things. I think he decided to not unconditionally love me, Beni and my mom. And that unconditional thing I believed in.. became short lived, and non-existent. Maybe I’ll love you on Mondays, and Thursday mornings. But I definitely don’t love you during the weekends, or on Thanksgiving, or New Years, or most of the time. So somewhere along the way, I accepted that love. But I think its made me this closed off person in several ways. And, I’m really struggling. Whether I blame my dad or other factors, I am still struggling. But I’m also trying to make sense of everything thats going on, and it requires a lot of alone time, and thinking, and uncomfortable confrontation with my past, present and future. It requires a lot of deep and painful digging, and I am truly working on myself in hopes of finding a happier, mentally and spirtitually healthier person.
brigittembenyei 